I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
