Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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