I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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