how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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