She's JV to your varsity
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
