Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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