watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
