I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
