I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
