My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
