He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
