then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
