my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
