Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
the raccoons are back...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
