I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
