i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
