just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
In America we eat man semen.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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