Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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