he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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