my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
