they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
