You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
