I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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