i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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