Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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