I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize