Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Everyone says I win the strip club
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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