we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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