if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
thus making me awesome and them whores
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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