I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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