so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We don't watch enough power rangers
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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