We won't sleep together?
I wish my penis had an off switch
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
