When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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