I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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