Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize