She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
