Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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