I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
