I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
