why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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