You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
