Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
