May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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