would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
