Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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