i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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