you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
