Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
