...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
