what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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