She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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