I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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