Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
