Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
