Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
