In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
sex in a hospital.. check
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
