Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
