carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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